"Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose."
"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."
"Do you think God gets stoned? I think so . . . look at the platypus."
"God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time."
"In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say "Stop, or I'll say stop again.""
"We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities."
"If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days."
"Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”."
"People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House."
"My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins."
"I like my wine like my women -- ready to pass out."
"Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
